


I Surrender

by JaykMoon33



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, This is me projecting on full blast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 01:52:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18539893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaykMoon33/pseuds/JaykMoon33
Summary: Shotgun never left Sammy. More so he couldn't get rid of him.





	I Surrender

Sammy’s sleep schedule was non-existent. He hadn’t slept deeply nor soundly for weeks now and it showed. The bags under his eyes and the grogginess in his...everything, was more than enough evidence of that.

Still, he promised Emily he would try to sleep. He in turn made sure she made the same promise. It was a fair trade.

So that’s what led him to staring blankly at the ceiling laying in bed while failing to do just that. Doesn’t matter how much he meditated or what sedatives he took he was just...wired. He hadn’t had insomnia like this in years and had thought he left it far behind him. He was obviously mistaken.

He was so out of it, though, that he was almost sure he saw shadows form people in the corners of his eyes. When he looked they were normal shadows and it wasn’t uncommon for a tired beyond belief person to hallucinate and see things that aren’t there. The voices calling him “beckoning” were probably also his imagination.

Yup. He was losing it.

Maybe when he was fully awake and not sleep deprived he would look back and see how silly it was or not even remember it at all. Human brains were weird and his was having a field day being unhinged and loopy.

 

He doesn’t remember falling asleep. No one really does unless your in the army or have been traumatized to do so but Sammy doesn’t remember falling asleep and that worried him because he was still in his room.

He was standing, feeling wide awake as though he hadn’t just been deprived of any humane energy previously, and looking around aimlessly until his eyes landed on a familiar person. He grimaced at the gelled black hair and cheap leather jacket.

“Hello Samuel.” Shotgun greeted. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Shotgun.” Sammy said. “What are you doing here?”

“Just dropping by. Thought I’d see how you were doing seeing as we’re apparently two different people in your mind.”

“We are.”

“Are we?”

Sammy sighed, glaring at Shotgun as his old persona circled him like a vulture, continuing. “You and I are two people in one body then. Another mind...another person.”

“I created you.”

“Well I sure am feeling the love then, dad.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I don’t, actually.”

Sammy raised an eyebrow at Shotgun. His old persona had a serious look on his face which...didn’t fit.

“What do you mean?”

“You tell me! I wouldn’t be here unless you knew something I didn’t!”

“You’re a mask. A person I showed to the world to keep myself safe.”

“Well that went well obviously.”

Sammy sat on his bed, thinking. What would Shotgun be doing here? Why would he be asking him all these questions? What did he mean by all of this?

“Why did you run, Sammy?” Shotgun asked innocently.

There was a long pause when it hit him. He looked up at Shotgun to see a beaten look on his face. Like he was...hurt.

“What else have we done?” Sammy shot back. “We’ve always run. We’ve been running since Florida. We don’t know how to do anything else.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I was scared? I’m depressed? All my life I’ve been told that if I’m found out that I would be cast out and left behind. I guess I just learned to expect it and didn’t listen to the reason.”

“...And?”

“Depression doesn’t listen to reason. We did the research. We know this.”

“So it’s ‘we’ now?”

Sammy groaned in frustration, rubbing his temples. “You know what I mean.”

“I don’t.”

“Well what else do you want me to tell you? That I’m still scared? That I lost hope on finding Jack after all was said and done? After seeing Ben get Emily back and after all my leads ran cold I stopped. I couldn’t go any longer. I was lying to the town and after I was outed I was sure that it was only a matter of time before they would kick me to the curb.”

“But they said they wouldn’t. They told you they would stay by your side. They told you they’d help you find Jack.”

“They were lying!”

Sammy didn’t know where the anger came from. All he knew was that now he was on his feet and inches away from Shotgun, who had a look of understanding on his face.

“That’s it. You thought they were lying. That they were asking too much of you.”

“Of course I did! How many times have people said that they’d stay beside us no matter what? How many times has that turned out to be a lie? How many times did we get our heart broken until it finally stuck that we were always going to be alone! They were out to hurt us like everyone else!”

“That’s not true. You know it’s not true.”

Sammy felt the anger evaporate, leaving a solemn sadness behind. Shotgun continued to stare him down, his face twisting oddly.

“I...I do. I know that they wouldn’t hurt me. But everyone else...everyone before them had.”

“...Until Jack.”

Sammy let out a tired sigh, standing down and flopping back onto the bed. He felt the energy drain out of him as Shotgun continued to question him.

“I had gotten used to the sting by then. I knew who people wanted to see and I flaunted it like my life depended on it. Which - in all honesty - it did.”

“But he got in. He found a way to us.”

Sammy let out a sad chuckle, shaking his head. “Somehow that obnoxious, happy-go-lucky guy from California slipped under the wire and I was gone. I hadn’t felt anything like it before. He was kind and charming and knew just what to say no matter what. My complete opposite.”

“What about Lily?”

“We got along. I knew she would be protective of her brother so I made nice with her. We became...friends, I guess. We weren’t close by any means-”

“She obviously begs to differ.”

“...Maybe. I never really thought of letting her in like I let Jack in. I had resorted to keeping the world out and she was part of that I guess.”

“She’s taking after you, isn’t she?”

“She is. And I blame myself for that honestly. If I hadn’t run off with Jack without asking her how she felt about the whole thing this may not have ever happened. She picked up my coping mechanisms and went off to do her own thing.”

“So it’s guilt you feel?”

“Yes. That and self-loathing.”

“Why don’t you talk to her?”

“Do you honestly think she’d want to talk to me?”

“I don’t know. I’m not you, remember?”

Shotgun was staring down at him, a now unreadable look on his face. Sammy hung his head, avoiding his gaze. “Right. You and I aren’t the same.”

“You said not the same that time.”

 

“I know what I said.”

“Why do you hate me, Sammy?”

Sammy felt his eyes sting, looking away. “I don’t know.”

“Yes you do. If you think Lily hates me, you obviously don’t feel the full effect of what you put yourself through.”

Shotgun sat next to Sammy, looking forward. Sammy side-eyed him, unsure of what else to say until something hit him. Shotgun looked...different. Like he was slowly changing. He looked...human.

“I...don’t hate you.”

“Really? That’s news to me.”

“I mean it.”

“Do you?”

Sammy pursed his lips, looking at Shotgun awkwardly. What could he say? What did he want to say? Why was he feeling inclined to deal with this part of himself-  
Oh. 

Oh...it was that.

“I made you.”

“So you’ve said.”

“I could only have made you if I used parts of myself, though.”

Shotgun looked at Sammy, confusion written on his face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that you are a part of me whether I like it or not. Every time I put on Shotgun before going on air, it was the bits and pieces of myself I put together to show the world. You were my voice. My power. My shield.”

“I said horrible things. I was terrible.”

“And you kept me safe.” Sammy laughed softly, shaking his head. “In your own, twisted way...you protected me. It may not have ended well in the long run but you...you kept me alive all those years. Especially when Jack started spiraling...you remained the unshakeable Shotgun Sammy.”

“That doesn’t excuse who I was, though.” Shotgun replied. “It doesn’t excuse what we did.”

“It doesn’t...but it also doesn’t mean that I hate you, though.”

Shotgun was staring disbelieving at him now, gaping and speechless. The words had been spilling out of Sammy’s mouth the more he spoke as if his truth had just revealed itself to him.

“We were alone back then. I’m still figuring out that we’re not anymore but back then you’re what kept me safe. You were my hate, my fear, my insecurities, my trauma, my shame...and you are a part of me. The part of me I’ve always hated but you are...you are a part of me.

“But that isn’t fair. I made you. You are a product of my own creation and I’ve kept you oppressed. You are what makes me human. I’m not whole without you. Without you I am a husk of who I truly am. I need my evil to balance my good. I need the drive that kept me afloat for so many years. If there’s anyone to blame it’s myself because...you are me.

“I hated you because I hated myself. I wanted someone to blame so I distanced you from me and made you my villain. My anti. In doing so I was incomplete, though. I thought accepting you would make me a bad person. That I’d become what everyone thought I was. That’s not who you are, though. It’s not who we are. When I tried to run, that was you trying to save me not realizing that we were safe. But because I pushed you away and turned you into this horrible thing I was lost and broken. I was drained. I’ve beaten you down for so long and I...I’m…”

Sammy took Shotgun’s shoulder, forcing him to face him fully. Shotgun stared at him and he could see in the moonlight that Shotgun was crying. Sammy took a deep breath and held back his own tears.

“I’m sorry, Shotgun.” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’m so sorry I made you like this. That I hurt us like this. I...I need you, Sammy.”

When Sammy looked into Shotgun’s face, it no longer looked like a stranger. He saw himself in those eyes for once. There was no cruelty nor shade behind his expression. He looked...whole. He was smiling at him with a fondness and calmness that reflected his own. He then watched his younger self reach for him and wrap his arms around him, hugging him.

“I forgive you.”

 

Sammy woke with a start, tears streaming down his face and panting. A wave of fatigue and tiredness washed over him as he came to his senses, looking around the room. In the corner of the room was a man wearing all white and smiling kindly at him. He nodded to him, disappearing the next second. Sammy was bewildered but overall, it was the conversation he had prior that hit him first.

Shotgun was a part of him. He’d forgiven himself.

That’s when the emotion and the waterworks came for him. He began to sob in full effect, ignoring how loud he was being. It had been the first time he cried like this in years. Ben bashed down the door terrified, rushing to his side and asking what was wrong. Sammy ignored him, continuing to cry. He would later tell him of the man in the corner of his room and the vision he had instead of sleeping. He was preoccupied for the moment, though.

He wasn’t alone. He was whole.

**Author's Note:**

> This was total self projecting and a call out post based on my own experiences. Feel free to disagree with my characterization but I hope you enjoyed


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